Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have to forgive God for making me broken.

Once, right after my last failed pregnancy, I went and talked to a shrink. My main source of panic was that I couldn’t get a handle on my grief because I had no faith left. I explained it: basically I felt like God had pulled the rug out from under me, that God had failed me, lied to me. I held God responsible.

I was aware at the time, and still am, that people have a lot of stock responses to that which could be easily brushed aside. I was sure that I had solid reasons for thinking that way. I am still sure that my reasoning is sound. The God I thought I knew was not the God of reality.

But I wasn’t really prepared for the response I got.

The shrink kind of scoffed at me, and told me (I think the words “that’s ridiculous” actually came out of their mouth) that the only way that could even be possible was if God had gone in to my DNA at the moment of conception and purposefully done something to my genetics that would cause all my pregnancies to fail.

“It’s not God, it’s science.” Problem solved.

I was all set to explain, yes, actually, that’s exactly what I think happened, because the God I used to trust in is one that has been intimately involved in every aspect of my life since the moment I began to exist. And yeah, that’s why I’m freaking out. Because exactly. God purposefully screwed me up.

But that conversation didn’t happen, because the shrink was happy with the way they had cleaned up that problem for me, and had already moved on.

I didn’t go back there, but the repercussions of that exchange have had a ripple effect over the last few years and (I suspect) will continue to touch me. Although I’m still disgusted with that particular “health” professional, it was ultimately a helpful thing to hear. It clarified the reasons why I felt so broadsided, and so unable to rely on faith when I desperately needed it. It gave me some idea of how I had to re-frame my understanding of “God” if I was ever to move forward.

I’m working on it. Some things take longer to forgive than others.



Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I’m broken.

For one of the few times in my life, I’m paralyzed by fear. Usually, I look at all of my options, find that one that best meets my needs, and go with it.

I’m not going to lie, I get frustrated when other people don’t operate that way. I get annoyed when I hear the same story over and over again. A lot of times I think (or SAY), “you KNOW what you want, and you KNOW how to get it. So go get it! Quit whining, start doing.”

It’s really obnoxious, I know. But up until now I’ve been able to operate that way with no guilt, because that’s how I do. Key words: up until now.

My body is broken. I can’t stop obsessing about that enough to make a decision about my next move. I’m stuck on this circumstance, blaming it for how my life is unfolding, and feeling guilty and ineffective because I KNOW what I want, and I KNOW how to get it, but I can’t stop whining and start doing.

I’m trying to get out from under the feeling of guilt. I feel guilty that I didn’t do more before, guilty that I haven’t done more since then, guilty that I’m still wallowing in this version of misery. I need to absolve myself of all this before I can move forward.


30 Days of Truth

Everyone’s got their cruel months. For Eliot it was April; for me it’s November. In an attempt to maintain some regular posting in what I know will be a vortex of blahs, I’m going to try for the “30 Days of Truth” meme.

Can’t figure out who started it, but the two blogs I used to grab the full list are here and here.

My start date will be October 28 or 29. I invite any and all of you to join in with me, even if you only grab a few prompts that speak to you. I’d be interested to see and read your own responses to similar queries.

Here’s the docket:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you tried to live without, and can’t.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → Your best friend is in a car accident right after you two fight. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Miss America Ain’t Got Nothin’

I am a winner of a prestigious blog award, entitled “Honest Scrap.” Glnroz bestowed it upon me, and for that I am truly thankful, as I have been coveting this cap-feather for many months.

There are stipulations attached to this award, however. For instance, you have to go check out Glnroz’s blog. Then check out the blogs Glnroz follows, because they are pretty much (without exception) amazing. Glnroz is a stellar blog-amalgamator.

Another stipulation is that I must write ten things about myself. This will not be an issue at all, since this blog is my ultimate exercise in narcissism. You can find my 10 things below.

Final stipulation is choosing seven specific blogs to direct you toward as MY recipients of the Honest Scrap award. Basically, they are blogs I think you should read and enjoy because I most certainly do. Here they are:

  1. Wym from Texas Britches: She is also a new Tejan, and generally funnier than I am. Every hilarious YouTube video I’ve viewed in the last six months has been via Wym.
  2. Singing Wawa Girl, from a blog of the same name. Her posts are always delightfully unexpected, though not nearly as frequent as I would like (HINT). Her ten things are sure to be epic.
  3. DawnTreader, from The Island of the Voices. Not only does her photography become exponentially more impressive by the week, but her posts are often moving introspection. Plus, she loves C.S. Lewis. And I am a big fan of that.
  4. Ms. Chintalapati at Not a Science Geek: She may have already received this award, but if so she deserves it again. Lately she’s been regaling me with stories about her ancestors in Malaysia and Singapore. Needless to say, I am fascinated.
  5. Amy from  Bitchin’ Wives Club: Another blogger who probably already has this. The link is more for you, because her blog is a scream. She’s recently moved from Wisconsin to England with her husband and three small boys. The blog COULD write itself, but it does much better in Amy’s hilarious hands.
  6. Omgirl at Little Pink Houses: I have only recently started following this blog but I’m enjoying it. I feel like I’m overhearing parts of her conversations with her gals. It’s like a slice of someone’s actual life, like she’s writing for her friends. Excellent vibe.
  7. Susan at The Susan/Susan Recovery Project: written by a recovering addict, Susan’s blog manages to be both touching and hilarious, often in the same post. Sometimes in the same sentence. I always come away from this blog with something to think about.

So first, check those out. Then come back and read some random stuff about me.

1. I am a firm believer in the effects of birth order on personality. I have plenty of real life examples to study for this, as I am the oldest of five. Here is a description of my personality cons, as a firstborn, from a website that espouses this worldview:

Have an innate fear of being dethroned, perfectionists, overachievers, feel as though they are never good enough, tend to be selfish with possessions and attention.

Yes. That is me. 100% The positive stuff is correct, as well, but focusing on my faults is more productive, I think.

2. No pet I have ever had possession of has died of old age. This is a little creepy but it’s interesting-ish. Radio (our first ever cat) was the closest, but she was given to a family member before one of our family moves. The same thing happened to Molly (our first ever dog). Other failed pets include Roxy, the cat I abandoned thrice (all with my mom… Thanks, Mom); Oreo, the puppy who died on New Year’s Day; and Sasha, the dog who ate childrens’ faces and had to be returned. Notable mentions include pets that were not actually mine, but who spent significant time with me, thus tainting their success: Sunny and Kelsie, who ran away one chilly morning never to return; Midge, who had to be secreted away to a farm because the mean neighbor lady threatened to poison her for scaring away all the squirrels; and Pinky, the cockatiel that I stopped caring about after it chewed through the cord in my never-used amplifier. Various baby birds and bunnies have also met their untimely demise via contact with yours truly.

Hopefully Kitty (Wawa) makes it.

3. I am addicted to Diet Coke. This is not an exaggeration. I read recently that if you must engage in addictive behavior first thing when you wake up, it is a chemical (not just habitual) addiction.

Enough said. We don’t need to get into how many Diet Cokes I drink for/before breakfast. I’ve recently tried to replace DC with coffee, which was a bad idea. Now I’m just addicted to two unhealthy, heavily caffeinated beverages instead of one.

Keeps me off the crack pipe, though. (I kid.)

4. I made a guitar once. The other part of this piece of info is that I only know how to play three chords on the actual (ie: not RockBand) guitar. And not well, either. But I look really amazing while I do it, and that always counts for something.

My grandfather makes guitars and I spent one magical year with them, totally slacking off. Thanks to Grandpa, I walked away from that year with at least one tangible, gorgeous something. It’s taken me several more years to appreciate this accomplishment, but now I’m at a point where I would like to move him and Grandma out to Tejas so I can systematically siphon all useful knowledge about his craft from him.

It’s an acoustic arch-top with a star motif. The fretboard and tailpiece are star inlays, and the sound holes are star cut-outs. Pine, mahogany, and ebony, mostly. (I could be wrong about a lot of this terminology. It’s been a while.)
5.  My friend called me MacGyver the other day, and it was one of the nicest compliments ever. I didn’t realize it, but I interject a lot of conversation with, “you could rig one of those pretty easily.” Not that I ever actually rig anything that I’m commenting on, but it’s nice that someone listens to me and believes I’m actually capable of making all the things I say I can make, including but not limited to:
  • a dress
  • a dresser
  • a smoker  (for meats)
  • a cake box
  • a hat
  • Thanksgiving dinner
  • a fully landscaped yard
  • a new front door
  • plumbing
  • electrical

My pre-engineering brother would be so proud.

6. I am naturally awesome at shooting. An old family friend discovered this when they took me out trap shooting (not to be confused with skeet; they are similar but NOT THE SAME) one weekend a long time ago in Jersey and I freaking killed it. I was quickly holding my own with the old guys.Went every weekend the entire summer. Even learned how to operate a manual shell reloader.

The fun part about this skill is that I have absolutely horrific eyesight. Only by the grace of God and the wonders of modern technology am I able to discern anything beyond about 1.5 inches off my face (another non-exaggeration).

Lately I’ve taken up handguns, since shotguns are expensive, and harder to store. Someday, though, I shall return to my shotgun roots and blow all the Tejas old guys away…


That’s all I got. I’m tired of writing about me. I’m tired of trying to think of interesting things. So for numbers 7-10 I’m just going to link to past posts (about me!) which I find fascinating. Secret fact: I read my own blog and marvel at how interesting I can make my life sound. Sometimes it’s downright FASCINATING. In fact, my bloggy memories are always more positive and profound than the real ones. Which is pretty much why I started this thing in the first place…

7. I live(d) in Mexas. I have recently moved slightly to the east of Mexas, but I am still two thousand plus miles closer to the border than I was in NJ.

8. I’ve had multiple failed pregnancies. When I’m not furious about it, I wallow in self-pity. I look forward to the day when I’m “over it.” Until then I will continue to choose furious. It’s much easier and more entertaining than self-pity.

9. I hoard fortunes from fortune cookies. I think it stems from my love of quotations. Also of the sense of something bigger than me. It can’t just be coincidence that the fortunes so often pertain to my personal life!

10. I am going to Minneapolis in two days for my friend Sha’s wedding and I can’t wait. I haven’t been to many weddings. Also, it will be cold and I can break my wool coat out of Tejas storage. Also I get to go to the Mall of America. Also, Bot and Nae are joining me. Good stories will be originated, and good times are almost as much of a certainty.

Hopefully I will remember to take pictures so I can share some of those stories with you.

For number 11 (“What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?”) I would just like to add that the man I am married to freakin’ rocks.