It’s October, now, and I’ve been sitting on this post for over six months. Hard to find appropriate words for it – not so much because it was too painful but because now it’s just DONE and it’s been an incredible mental relief to be done.
We did an IVF cycle in the spring of this year. It was exactly what I expected: uncomfortable, emotionally draining, demoralizing, and ultimately futile. Sitting at the kitchen table stabbing myself with multiple needles every morning felt like control for about three days. Then it just got weird and depressing.
Emotional spikes really didn’t start until the second half of the cycle, when I started getting huge amounts of pregnancy hormones to try to get my body on board with Science. And they didn’t stop until well after the pregnancy was over.
It really didn’t help that, during all this, I was in the midst of a paradigm shift at work – one that ultimately led to my resignation.
More than anything, though, I wanted to move past that faint double line as quickly as possible. That quiet, tiny “yes” was so incredible it sent us through the roof for days. And then… not so much. The same as before (again). I knew how to handle everything after that. Accept the murmured sympathy at the doctor’s office with grace and extreme calm, spend a few nights crying into a pillow, then send it down the road. Someday in the future I’ll come back to that sorrow and commemorate it somehow. Right now it’s done.
Tried, positive, fail.
I’m disappointed but the pain is not as extreme as it ever has been in the past. It’s kind of deeper and not as sharp. It’s an ending. It’s finite. It’s a kind of “closure.” It’s like a heavy door, finally coming to rest after slowly drifting shut for years. As much as I desperately want what’s on the other side, I never could get at it, and there’s a kind of relief in the notion that it’s not an option anymore.
Part of the fallout is that we have one tiny life left, waiting for us to be ready. Neither of us expect it to be with us for very long once we decide we’re ready. But we’re not going to give up on it. If these many years have taught us nothing else, it’s that life is precious, however it comes and however long it stays.
“The wound is the place the Light enters you.” -Rumi