A Little Motivation

Guys, it’s been a rough few weeks. I’ve been down in the dumps.

Plus side: These “dumps” are normal-sized ones. I’m not wallowing in a pit of unmitigated despair. This is yet another confirmation that medication is doing its job. Because at this point three or four years ago I would have been in a full-on depressive episode. So that’s good.

Minus side: I have very little control over the things that are making me feel so low. As I said above, this is grounds for depressive episode extraordinaire – lack of control is my arch nemesis.

“What’s going on, buddy?” You may ask.

And I would tell you that we’ve recently given the kid thing a meaningful try (medical intervention) and that ended poorly, highlighting our 100% fail rate on the “being pregnant” and “having kids” front. It’s hard not to feel like this is it, done, kaput. The End of the kid question. Zero control over that.

Work is terrifically challenging for me. It’s this winning combination {sarcasm} of an outgoing boss who is making some poor interpersonal choices, being a new and relatively inexperienced (lone) grantwriter, and an all-around less-than-awesome place to work right now. New administration, growing pains, belt-tightening, etc… The belt-tightening makes my particular job that much more exciting and pressure-filled. Very little control over the work environment.

Finally, I stepped on the scale over the weekend and saw a number I’ve never seen before in my entire life. Ever. It was sobering. I’m pretty sure that EXACT number is a result of some swift weight fluctuations from a figurative ton of hormone drugs I was taking over the last two months, but I’ve known for a while that the general range is less than admirable.

So. I have zero control over the being pregnant thing. I have very little control over the quality of life at work. (Quitting is always an option but I’m a huge fan of my paycheck. Amazing how much staying power a good paycheck can generate.) What IS in my control is my weight. So I’m going to make that the focus of all my frustrations and use it to combat my general feeling of powerlessness over life. This is a place where control (willpower, planning, determination) is not only possible but necessary. I’m going to wallow in it.

I have tools to help me, collected from a lifetime of gadget collection.

20140527-071521-26121526.jpgNike FuelBand tracks activity, calories, and steps. It syncs to my phone and does a cool light display when I reach a goal. I like when gadgets celebrate over me.


MyFitnessPal is an app that logs food/calories, weight, measurements, and has an in-app recipe creator so I can figure out the damage of a home-cooked meal. It starts me out with a calorie count for the day and I make the mark move by consuming or earning calories (eating or working out, respectively). It feels like a game, which is useful.

20140527-071544-26144635.jpgMerrell’s “zero drop” shoes are something I discovered a few years ago that forced me to improve my running form. I’m a hard heel striker AND I tend to do too much too quickly, especially when I’m just getting back into running. The lack of padding on the soles of the shoes means I become very aware very quickly of when I need to slow down, adjust my form, or just walk. I love them.

The true motivator, though, is incentives. I love buying stuff, and we’re a two-income household with no kids. Why not, I figure, leverage that opportunity into motivation? Namely, I GET STUFF when I reach goals.

More on this in the next post.


3 thoughts on “A Little Motivation”

  1. Hey Rae, I wanted to add a little bit more to encourage you. I don’t mean to be presumptuous but I wanted to let you know that as I was counseling for doctors, I met with many women who wanted desperately to become pregnant. My heart broke for them because they deserved to be mothers! As they lost weight, ate better and got healthier, six of those I met with became pregnant and I was the proud recipient of their good news! There is hope! Never give up! Perhaps I can write a blog on foods to help the reproductive organs. (But I don’t want to overstep my boundaries either) I’m just here to help if necessary and will be praying for you on my daily walk. Keep smiling my sweet friend, blessings,

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