henever I’m having a tough day or must get through a hard situation I go to the internet for ideas and advice. You know what? Sometimes the internet sucks at providing realistic solutions to things. So, for my my latest trials and tribulations, rather than try to piece together a bunch of useless advice from random sources, I thought I’d share some truly useful advice from my own experience.
Everything in moderation, yada yada.
How to Deal with Tough Days, Chronic Jerks, the Death of an Awesome Family Dog, etc…
1. Buy Things
I personally like to purchase new home decor (curtains, bedspreads, sometimes paint) and/or exercise equipment I will never use.
If anyone would like a brand new Speedo cap and goggles, I’m your girl.
2. Rearrange Furniture
That stupid bed is ALWAYS AGAINST THAT ONE WALL. Move the entire bedroom around. This is like a double whammy of awesome coping powers. First, it means I pretty much have to clean whatever room I’m rearranging, which is always nice. Second, it’s good for about a week of “where am I?!” wake ups.
Also helpful at work, where coworkers will come into your office and be like “…wtf did you do? WHEN did you do this? Did you stay late to PUSH YOUR DESK AROUND?!”
Anything goes for this one. Knock back those Jaeger-bombs. Also useful is reviving that smoking habit you kicked after college, preferably with some life-destroying brand like American Spirit or KOOLS. However you do it, make sure you hate yourself for at least 24 hours afterwards.
4. Go to Vegas
That’s shorthand for “spend a shit-ton of money on a weekend trip.” This really doesn’t work if you just go to the movies and out to dinner. You have to pack a bag, go to a swanky hotel, order the surf & turf (lobster & veal, even though you normally boycott veal on cruelty grounds), go see a Broadway traveling show, and then eat chocolate-drenched waffles for breakfast the next morning.
This one couples nicely with numbers 1 and 3.
5. Bring Home a Puppy (or Kitten)
If you already have two dogs and a cat, this one gets exponentially better. Not only will you be distracted by the insane needs of a baby animal (seriously, how can cats poop in a box from DAY ONE and it takes dogs like a YEAR to learn to hold it until they get outside?) but also you get some company in your misery as you watch your other pets spiral out of control as they try to adjust to a new creature that DOESN’T FOLLOW ANY OF THE RULES, DAMNIT.
6. Read for Days
Forego sleep. Work your way through the entire Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Dragonriders of Pern, or other insanely long (no-way-it-can-be-read-in-one-sitting) series… in one sitting if possible. Try to survive on only 3-4 hours of sleep until you’ve completed the entire series. Bonus points: When people comment on how tired and out of it you seem, reply with quotes from the series.
Comment: “Wow, Rae, you seem really tired and out of it.”
Reply: “I have no memory of this place.” or “Winter is coming.”
My personal favorite. Take several days off and take many naps. Totally destroy your normal-functioning sleeping schedule in favor of going to bed when you feel tired rather than based on when you have to be awake for work/kids/gym/whatever. Take four hour naps.
This one is the most gratifying if you throw in some other great coping mechanisms that are too mainstream for their own heading: don’t shower, eat ice cream for meals, ignore the dishes and laundry for several days, refuse to get out of bed, marathon a terrible TV show.
Did I miss anything? I know everyone has a favorite. There are some I use that I didn’t include, because they’re not for everyone. For instance: quit your job; make all your siblings visit you at once; drive around a city and flip people off randomly; run up and down the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art like Rocky, etc…
Feel free to share yours.