I’ve been told recently that I’m hard to read, which I have to say, I like. I subscribe to the old-world European mindset. Emotions are for me, and those closest to me. They reveal a lot about what’s going on in my soul, and I don’t want just anyone to have access to that.
With that being said, here’s what’s going on, in a detached, non-emotional sort of way.
Hubs is going through a tremendously difficult time. He’s dealing with a thing that is long, laborious, and painful. It’s been one of the biggest challenges of my life to watch him go through it. I want nothing more than to be able to fix it, but I just don’t have the power. It’s given me a new appreciation for how difficult our infertility issues must have been for him – no power to change, just be there. Through it all, I have become even more convinced that he is wonderful; I am truly blessed to be part of his life. He is a Good Man.
For me, I am busy. I’ve chosen to be incredibly busy; it’s a constructive way to deal with not being a mother. I have found other things to provide me with a sense of accomplishment, things that force me to cherish my free time, rather than dread it.
Three of my closest friends are now mothers. I’m trying to counter the inevitable separation that comes from being a “noner” in a group of new moms by just being around, whatever way I can. Its strange to suddenly be in a position where that’s all I can be – for all my experience with kids, there seems to be a mutual level of trust that is unique to mothers. My hope is that being there is enough to maintain those friendships, despite the change in scenery. It takes more effort than it used to – I still relate them in the old way, while they have new challenges.
It seems my life is in an era of “being there.” And, while I can’t be an active participant in others’ new experiences, I can try to be there. It goes against my terrific need for control, but I think it’s probably a good thing to learn. They have all been there for me, and will be again, so it’s fair play.
Meanwhile, I stay busy. And wait for my turn. Again, a good lesson to learn.