Fascinating question, Day 29; I’m so glad you asked.
First, I will address the “why” with this answer: Duh.
An illuminating feature of this month’s exercise has been that I am stuck in a serious rut. This is a rut caused by circumstance, so I’m (sometimes) able to avoid the feeling of guilt for not being more capable. A bit. But I must say that re-typing the same dang thing for days in a row was a wake-up. Especially the ugly post. It was ugly.
Sooooo…. I called a therapist. I’m still at the beginning of that journey, but I’m thinking it’s one that will ultimately be a very good thing for me. This is more of the “how” version of the question, but one that matters, because what and why are only part of any alteration. Nothing has changed, yet, but I can see some light now, where I couldn’t before. Or, at least, hear some light…
What I hope to change with all this is the feeling of hopelessness and pointlessness over me, Rae, and what I’m doing with my life. I want to be able to look back at this and say “that was a rough patch” instead of “that was the start of my super depressing adult life.” I would really like to be (much) less anxious and much more able to 1) have down-time and 2) enjoy down time. And I’d like to be able to be proud of myself. And I’d like to shut at least one stupid anxiety loop down for good.
I expect to be fully cured by the new year. If not, FAIL.
Just kidding. The other thing I should probably change is unrealistic expectations….