Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have to forgive God for making me broken.

Once, right after my last failed pregnancy, I went and talked to a shrink. My main source of panic was that I couldn’t get a handle on my grief because I had no faith left. I explained it: basically I felt like God had pulled the rug out from under me, that God had failed me, lied to me. I held God responsible.

I was aware at the time, and still am, that people have a lot of stock responses to that which could be easily brushed aside. I was sure that I had solid reasons for thinking that way. I am still sure that my reasoning is sound. The God I thought I knew was not the God of reality.

But I wasn’t really prepared for the response I got.

The shrink kind of scoffed at me, and told me (I think the words “that’s ridiculous” actually came out of their mouth) that the only way that could even be possible was if God had gone in to my DNA at the moment of conception and purposefully done something to my genetics that would cause all my pregnancies to fail.

“It’s not God, it’s science.” Problem solved.

I was all set to explain, yes, actually, that’s exactly what I think happened, because the God I used to trust in is one that has been intimately involved in every aspect of my life since the moment I began to exist. And yeah, that’s why I’m freaking out. Because exactly. God purposefully screwed me up.

But that conversation didn’t happen, because the shrink was happy with the way they had cleaned up that problem for me, and had already moved on.

I didn’t go back there, but the repercussions of that exchange have had a ripple effect over the last few years and (I suspect) will continue to touch me. Although I’m still disgusted with that particular “health” professional, it was ultimately a helpful thing to hear. It clarified the reasons why I felt so broadsided, and so unable to rely on faith when I desperately needed it. It gave me some idea of how I had to re-frame my understanding of “God” if I was ever to move forward.

I’m working on it. Some things take longer to forgive than others.

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7 thoughts on “Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.”

  1. I have no faith and am sometimes jealous of those that do. I could never blame God because I wasn't sure if he was there. Couldn't pray because that would be rude if I wasn't sure. It felt pretty lonely sometimes, but pain sometimes lessens with time.. or at the very least becomes more manageable. Hopefully you'll find comfort in whatever your God becomes for you.

  2. Oh you're really taking on a tough challenge with these Truths! And making my head spin too. I'd need to write essays – no, books – to sort each of these topics out in my own head. And I'm afraid all that writing does not feel quite realistic for me at the moment. (A personality test the other day did confirm that I'm a realistic type of person!) I'll say one thing here, though, which I have noticed many times over the years. It seems to me that (some) people who grew up with a faith in God get worse shaken by these kinds of blows, than others (some) who did not find faith until later. In my case, at 16. Oh, my beliefs have gone through some changes too over the years… But I guess I never really saw God as sitting with a calendar planning ahead what would happen to me every step of the way. More like… A friend walking with me? Someone worth getting to know. Someone worth arguing with. And I'd say that's where the idea of Incarnation, in Jesus, helps; because that is where the Creator meets human suffering.

  3. It is hard dealing with less than adoring issues with God.
    I was raised the same way. I don't remember a time God was not a part of my life. Then He wasn't. I stopped talking to him.
    Then tragedy struck and I understood Him less and less. I realized the storybook God was not real. It is hard searching for someone you never really knew.
    I don't have any answers, but it seems like each week, He has a way to give me a secret message.
    Don't be afraid to work through your issues with God. He is big enough to handle it.

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