I have to forgive God for making me broken.
Once, right after my last failed pregnancy, I went and talked to a shrink. My main source of panic was that I couldn’t get a handle on my grief because I had no faith left. I explained it: basically I felt like God had pulled the rug out from under me, that God had failed me, lied to me. I held God responsible.
I was aware at the time, and still am, that people have a lot of stock responses to that which could be easily brushed aside. I was sure that I had solid reasons for thinking that way. I am still sure that my reasoning is sound. The God I thought I knew was not the God of reality.
But I wasn’t really prepared for the response I got.
The shrink kind of scoffed at me, and told me (I think the words “that’s ridiculous” actually came out of their mouth) that the only way that could even be possible was if God had gone in to my DNA at the moment of conception and purposefully done something to my genetics that would cause all my pregnancies to fail.
“It’s not God, it’s science.” Problem solved.
I was all set to explain, yes, actually, that’s exactly what I think happened, because the God I used to trust in is one that has been intimately involved in every aspect of my life since the moment I began to exist. And yeah, that’s why I’m freaking out. Because exactly. God purposefully screwed me up.
But that conversation didn’t happen, because the shrink was happy with the way they had cleaned up that problem for me, and had already moved on.
I didn’t go back there, but the repercussions of that exchange have had a ripple effect over the last few years and (I suspect) will continue to touch me. Although I’m still disgusted with that particular “health” professional, it was ultimately a helpful thing to hear. It clarified the reasons why I felt so broadsided, and so unable to rely on faith when I desperately needed it. It gave me some idea of how I had to re-frame my understanding of “God” if I was ever to move forward.
I’m working on it. Some things take longer to forgive than others.