My Husband is Superhuman

It’s not technically “after,” yet, but Hubs is nearing the end of his epic adventure. Radio silence has been conquered, and I’m getting a good three to five minutes of his voice every night before I go to bed, which is just heavenly.

I wanted to share this “before and now” comparison with you so you can get an idea of how much fun my husband is having while I am gallivanting with cousins, friends, mothers, and sipping my coffee while writing a best-selling novel:

On the left is a photo of him as he headed out into the wild unknown. On the right is a photo he emailed the other night, three weeks after he began. I’m tempted to throw numbers out, because they’re impressive, but I’ll just stick with this: he lost a loooooot of weight in three weeks.

I find that the vacant stare and gaunt cheeks really bump up his natural skin tone.

For those of you who are wondering, he’s not in prison or anything. He signed up for this.That “after” picture above is totally voluntary.

He is all that is man.

And let me just clarify for those of you who don’t have the pleasure of knowing us personally: Hubs is 100% in his element right now. Maybe, like me, you are a nerd, a bookworm. Maybe, like me, you consider physical activity to be sort of an anathema. You understand its importance in principle, but it makes you want to punch babies in practice. When you watch those crazy Olympic athletes or people who swim across the Atlantic or whatever, and you think to yourself (rightly), “what kind of human being actually enjoys that stuff enough to get that good?!”

The answer is my husband. He is that kind of human being.

Never is he more alive then when he reaches the extreme edges of his physical ability and dominates. Even better is when he is actually physically wrecked and is still able to “go the distance.”

Rocky is one of his all time favorite movies, in case you were wondering.

Anyways, if you are not already convinced that Hubs is not like other mortals, let me just tell you. He had a total tear on one of his ACLs two years ago. Complete regrowth seems to have occurred in the interim.  He was diagnosed with Lyme disease and started on a three-week regimen of aggressive antibiotics six days before he left. All symptoms have miraculously evaporated.

If you’ve never seen Unbreakable, with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson, maybe you should watch it. Because my husband is creepily approaching David Dunn (superhero) status. His imperviousness to life-altering events is obviously because he’s superhuman.*

None of that changes the fact that he’s lost a crap load of weight and will be utterly exhausted when he returns. And he is almost certain to begin concocting his NEXT great adventure scheme before twenty-four hours of repose have elapsed (my money is on some sort of extreme marathon). Thus, I have to devise a plan to get him back to normal, ninja assassin-level, weight and quickly.

Here is what I plan on feeding him for the first few days he’s back:

(photo by Charles Sporn)

After that, I need some suggestions. Any links to delicious, fatty recipes would be welcome. 
*Getting every person we know to pray, meditate, concentrate, and cheer lead for his continued success might also have something to do with it.

10 thoughts on “My Husband is Superhuman”

  1. I too am a non-exercising bookworm who can't really understand the mindset of these super-beings, but thankful they are in the world and stand in awe!

  2. On second thought, I'll send you my recipe for chicken pillows. They have sour cream, cream cheese, butter, and cresent rolls….all things fattening and delicious.

  3. He sounds like an amazing man. I should send you my recipe for cheesecake brownies so there will be even more of him to love once he comes back. I think they have 700 calories per bite.

  4. I know someone kind of similarly superhuman (although of course not quite as superhuman as your husband). I'm not married to him. I admire the patience of the wonderwoman who is… 😉

  5. I was going to assume he's Batman, but a far more likely candidate is Captain America.

    Yes, it is decided. You married Captain America and the only thing keeping him going (aside from his wonderful wife at home and love of freedom and his fellow man) is the urge to destroy all enemies of America.

    God, he's like a mix of Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer, except, you know, it's all true.

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